One thing you might not anticipate when you find out you're having twins is that they feed off of each other's energy, escalating emotions and creating a cycle of chaotic behavior—sometimes, to the point of exhaustion.
If one twin starts laughing, you start smiling, and before you know it, you've suddenly got two gleefully giggling babies. And that's great; it'd be no problem if the laughing never stopped.
But, sometimes, it's not always so jovial.
If one multiple starts throwing food, the other tosses their morsels into the melee, and suddenly you're hosting a Lost Boys-Hook-esque food fight of epic proportions.
If one baby starts crying or screaming, the other takes note and joins in, no questions asked, and they reach volumes you never imagined were possible.
And it's not because their needs aren't being met by their parents. This phenomenon is a natural result of the intense bond that twins share, stemming from their competition for attention. But when you're in those tense and incredibly loud moments, it can be hard to remember that things will quiet down again.
Emotional escalation
When you have twins, you double-down on everything, from cooing to crying.
This emotional escalation is known as Twin Escalation Syndrome (TES), and it can be very exhausting to deal with.
In the first year with our newborns, my husband and I had a few notifications on our phones that warned us we were in an extremely loud environment—except, we were at home with our young twins doing, theoretically, quiet activities; until they weren't quiet anymore.
When babies cry, and when there are two of them, it can REALLY amp up quickly.
An interesting thing happens when you have identical twins; while their voices are slightly different, when they cry, their wails harmonize and find an equilibrium. The length of their cries sync up, and, bizarrely, it sounds like you literally have only one baby…one really loud baby.
Those moments make it incredibly hard to focus. You can't hear yourself think. And when you're in a confined space with two babies who are belting it out with everything they've got, you can't just magically dial down the decibels.
So, what do you do?
How to manage TES in 1, 2, 3
When you're in the thick of it, and your dynamic duo's hitting decibels you didn't think were possible, and you're getting "Loud Environment" notifications on your smartwatch or phone, you need to have a way to diffuse the situation as quickly as you can to save everybody's ears.
Here are three steps you can take to break the circuit, so you can de-escalate their emotions and get back to an even playing field.
- Dividing Works Wonders: The most effective way to stop the emotional loop is to physically separate your twins as soon as the escalation begins. Not as a form of punishment, but as a biological refresh for their nervous systems. This helps them calm down and brings the noise level down to a regular level.
- Whispering Speaks Volumes: When the noise level rises, lower your voice to a whisper. Tell them you have a secret or something really important to tell them but that you can't because it's too loud. This forces your loud little ones to stop screaming in spades in order to hear your instruction, making them give their attention to you instead of to their escalating emotions.
- Distracting with Commands: When you can tell things are about to get out of control, use physical commands to distract them from the chaotic circuit. Instead of telling them to stop crying, blurt out, "Simon Says" or give them a sudden motor command, like "Touch your nose!" or "Run to the other side of the couch, quick!" Doing so shifts their brain from the emotional center (the amygdala) to the motor cortex. The distraction breaks the emotional spiral and ends the escalation.
Cutting out the competition
While you can't prevent every instance of TES, you can try to minimize their occurrence. One of the main drivers for escalating behavior is your twins' shared competition for parental attention.
It's hard to give big bouts of individual attention to each twin when they both constantly need things from you all day long, but if you can find a few minutes here and there to devote solely to each twin (e.g., taking one twin to the grocery store while their sibling stays home with the other parent, or working on different activities with each caregiver in the evening), that chunk of one-on-one time can decrease their desire to compete with one another for attention when they're reunited and spending time together.
Have you ever been immersed in this escalation cycle? Let us know in the Comments section below or connect with us on Instagram to share your thoughts!
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