When people hear you're having twins, they're either very excited or they give you this look that says, "You're screwed." There's no middle ground.
And when you're essentially told over and over again that you're going to be overwhelmed and have no chance at parenting success, it makes you want to prove everybody wrong.
We can do this. Two at once is no big deal. They're our kids, why wouldn't we be able to handle them?
We can do this. Two at once is no big deal. They're our kids, why wouldn't we be able to handle them?
We rise to the challenge, and when we don't immediately fail, people call us SuperMoms and SuperDads, when really, it's a miracle we're even dressed and fed and living in a house that isn't on fire.
When there are two babies at once, two sets of needs that must be met simultaneously, there never seem to be enough hands to do it all.
With one baby, two sets of hands help get everything done. With two babies, you need at least a third set of hands, which isn't feasible for most families, so one baby is often left waiting while their parents do everything as quickly as they can, which usually results in bare minimums being met, rather than the standards we'd hoped to reach as a parent of a singleton.
Instead of celebrating how we somehow get it all done while we're managing life with young twins, we need to recognize—and embrace—that we don't need to get straight As across the board, especially if it comes at the cost of our sanity.
Even if you feel inclined to do it all on your own, it's incredibly important to find support and ask for specific help during the early days with your twins. It can make all the difference. If you aren't sure what sort of help to ask for, here are some ideas.
Sometimes, you can't do it all
Doing everything when you have one baby is hard and barely attainable. Expecting yourself to do the same when you have two isn't reasonable.
But that's often what's expected.
When we found out we were having twins, I asked a nurse for tips and advice on how to do everyday things that I knew would be harder with twins, like getting them fed, bathed, or into the car, and her answer was, "Well, do you it the same as you would for one baby, but times two."
Except you can't always do that, and I knew as soon as she gave me that advice that she didn't have twins of her own.
Advice from those who have lived experience with a single baby sets twin parents up for failure. Not intentionally, and not always, but not everything that works for one works for two.
There are general things from singleton parenthood that translate into twin parenthood, but there are certain nuances that need to be recognized when you have two babies instead of just one.
When you're trying to tandem feed two newborns who can't hold their heads up and you need four arms to get everybody into position and make sure they don't slip down before they latch—and then needing to help one relatch without moving your body, so you don't cause the other one to unlatch in that process—it's not the same as feeding just one baby.
When you need to wash two slippery newborns who can't sit up on their own, and you need four hands to make sure everyone can get clean safely, it's not the same as bathing just one baby.
When you need to get everybody—and all their belongings—out of the house and into the car, and you need four hands to carry both car seats because you can't leave anyone alone in the car, the diaper bag plus any other bags you need for the day, and lock the door behind you without letting any pets out in the process, it's not the same as getting just one baby into the car.
So, you need to figure out new ways to get things done that work for your situation. And, sometimes, that means you can't do it all as you'd envisioned you once would.
We, as twin parents, need to lower our own standards and be okay with the idea that we simply cannot do it all—and that THAT'S OKAY.
We, as twin parents, need to lower our own standards and be okay with the idea that we simply cannot do it all—and that THAT'S OKAY.
Survival is success
When almost everything you do is "times two," there's never time to do it all.
Then, there's the added caveat that the time it takes to do things is much more stretched out than it ever used to be. Things that used to take you only one uninterrupted hour now take you five or six hours, easy, when you've got two toddlers in tow, and you're lucky if it's not only kinda-sorta-done by the time you drag things across the finish line.
If you're a parent, chances are you're feeling the crunch that there's never enough time, there's always a million things to do, and there's never enough time left to get everything done.
Sometimes, survival IS success.
Look at your household after the chaos of a day unfolds.
There are probably dishes that need to be dealt with. There are probably mounds of laundry that either need to be washed or dried or put away. There are probably bits and pieces of messes that need to be tidied but won't be.
You need to find a way to accept the mess—at least for now.
If your children are alive, safe, fed (even if it's Kraft Dinner or chicken nuggets for the third time this week), and happy, you're doing a great job.
Last night, I was snuggling with our twins and thinking about all that there was still left to do after they were going to fall asleep—dishes, tidying, laundry, stuff that had been on the backburner for far too long; all the fun stuff that needs to be done to keep the household going—and thinking I'd be lucky if I crossed one thing off the list before I fell into bed myself.
As we're lying there quietly, suddenly, one of our twins says, out of nowhere, "I love you. I love our home."
His brother agreed with the sentiment.
And I knew then and there that even though it can feel like you're drowning in everything that needs to get done—and that it will continue to feel that way for several more years—the most important things WERE getting done.
Our twins see love, they feel love, they share love.
And that's all that matters to me.
Did you let the weight of needing to do it all and keep up with appearances get to you? What advice do you have for other parents of multiples? Let us know in the Comments section below or connect with us on Instagram to share your thoughts!
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